The sudden influx of Resolutioners floods my territory, invades my space, makes me wait on my favorite piece of equipment and delays my workout. I know it's not my personal gym, and I know that come February most of the working-out-is-a-good-way-to-start-the-year people will soon be gone, but until then...
I also know I shouldn't think like that. I should be happy that people are getting healthier, setting goals and taking action. And, I am. Really. I just think it would be better for us long-time folks if there was a beginners gym. You know, kind of like the bunny slope at the ski resort.
Since that's not the case, though, I'll just have to offer some advice to the Newbies: Please avoid becoming any of the characters (or should I say caricatures?) that have me shaking my head:
Narcissus Egocentrus: We all know you work out. There is no need for you to pose repeatedly in front of the mirror between sets. In fact, if you stick to the workout, you'll finish in half the time and free up the equipment for the rest of us.
Narcissus Minor: Sorry, buddy, but you don't see results that fast. One set of abs does not a six-pack make, and no, I cannot tell a difference in your biceps after that uber-quick set of 5 you just did with weight you shouldn't have yet tried. You may pay for that tomorrow.
GQ: It is very awesome that you have color-matched your shoelaces to your too-tight Under Armor shirt, but your fashion sense does not improve your weight-loss program. Don't waste your money on looking that good at the gym. The rest of us aren't looking. That is, we weren't looking until you walked in wearing dayglo yellow. Who could miss that display?
DJ Master Jam: The reason most of us have our earphones in is to block out the noise and help us to focus on our workout. Your need to sing along with your tunes should be kept to the shower at home. P.S. The music is only loud in your ears. We can hear you loud and clear, and just in case you are wondering: No, no one else here is a talent scout for American Idol.
Wrestlemaniac: The occasional grunt or growl can help you finish a set. Screaming it so that the Pilates ladies can hear it two floors up is not necessary or helpful. Also, when you finish, your loud exclamation of Whoooooooooo! is meaningless. We looked the first time because you pierced our ear drums. We're not looking anymore.
Rocker Girl: There is a fundamental concept to this resolution that you are missing. The elliptical should make a full revolution while you are on it. By the way, the same is true of the bike, and, if you are not yet breathing a little heavier, you are not working out. P.S. I have to admit that I am somewhat impressed by your ability to rock back and forth on the elliptical for half an hour.
Cell-You-Lie-t'us: You know those cool earphones you got for Christmas? They have a microphone on them so that you can talk to people in a low voice. Using your speaker phone or talking loudly to your girlfriend to prove you really are following up on your resolutions is annoying to the rest of us.
Jon Lovitz: Your enthusiasm in talking about working out, even with your stage-worthy expressions and hand gestures, do not an athlete make. Here's a little advice: Workout diligently for a few weeks. Let the results speak for themselves.
OK, I'm done. Dive in! Get healthy! Go to the gym! Please, just know that there is a core group here who takes this stuff seriously. We'd appreciate it if you would do the same.
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